I am in my last year at seminary, unless something goes awry. It has dawned on me that I am not too sure of what I want to do [or feel called to do] upon my assumed graduation. I am uninspired and unengaged currently. I feel called to ministry. I want to pursue this call. I am just burned out in the process. I feel isolated from the system and frustrated by the hoops we have to navigate on the way to ordination.
I have just hit the up swing from my bout with the pneumonia, which coincided with the first week of classes. Am still rather tired and now much more overwhelmed than normal. This must be accounted for as I write this. But alas I am tired. I read many books on post modern religious application and seek to be a light or perhaps a better term a lightning rod for change in the denomination.
We are doing good things(?). I just wonder where the transformation is. Where is the radical love present in the gospel. I hear all the time the need for something new. Yet folks are fearful of putting themselves out there as transparent, vessels of God’s undying love. We have to answer the call to love, the call to justice, and the call to radical transformation from the bondage of the status quo!
As I near graduation and the possible venture into ministry I am growing convicted of the need to challenge the system and F’ stuff up. The church is so afraid of dying IT WILL DIE! Is this not what we are called to do? Are we not to die unto Christ?
Then as a reformed church where is transformation visable in our denomination? I am frustrated by the power struggle for property and material goods. I wish we would be so passionate and hungry to serve the poor and marginalized as we are in keeping “truth” and order in the proper hands.
It is my understanding that the emerging ethos demands that we address the world via a relevant cultural lens that highlights the love of God. To radically endeavor to be followers of Christ in ways that embrace culture not isolate and hoginize it. If fear is in the equation than walking any walk will lead us to another stalemate with the status quo. We must challenge the status quo. I struggle with balencing transformation and grace.
This is when I resort to my favorite Acronym, WTFWJD?
The expletive f@%k is the only adjective I can think of that is close to my frustration when I think about our failure to do and our zeal to do not. How can w earnestly move to wards reconciliation with a desperate longing fit for an outsider. Cause folks we are outsiders looking into righteousness.
About Ryan
You are *Awesome*, Ryan, for posting this. And both your passion for Christ AND your frustration with the Church will make you an incredible minister, whatever course you choose to pursue.
And I’ve never had a WWJD bracelet, but now I want a WTFWJD one.
It’s happening. It’s happening in a few congregations here and there, some inside the PCUSA, many out.
And other churches are watching them. This is a radical change, but at the same time, a slow process. But momentum is growing. Once the watchers see what God does with the pioneers, they will want to join in, and within a generation, the radically re-born church will be “the way we’ve always done it,” and we will be the old ones complaining that the kids are messing up church.
I read your blog this morning. Maybe because of the creative title or maybe something just drew me in. At any rate I really hear what you are saying. You ask some of the same questions I find myself asking in terms of ministry, church and how I fit in to all of it.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and congrats ahead of time on your graduation.
Ryan,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I’m six years out of seminary now, so I’m somewhat part of the system now, but I really resonate with what you wrote.
I had a lot of righteous anger my final year of seminary. It kind of came to a boil in a final presentation I gave in class called “A Narcissistic God and the Masturbating Church.” I was convinced that the church had all its priorities screwed up and was mostly concerned about taking care if itself.
Then when I entered ministry, I quickly got caught up in the details, minutia and programs of working in a church. My grand dreams of revolution and shaking things up were swallowed by the demands of full-time church ministry/management. I realized that the church was full of good people, misdirected people, but good folks nonetheless. So I figured that my call was not to shake things up as much as gently lead people to transformation.
Now, I’ve realized that’s a bunch of sh*t. We still need to love and respect the people of our churches, but these are times for some tough love. Change needs to happen, and happen soon if we want to continue as the body of Christ in this age.
But here is the difference between me now and me in my final year of seminary. In seminary I was angry and saw everything wrong with the church. Now, I’m still angry, but even more I am hopeful, and I have a positive vision for what the church could be. Anger and pointing out failings can only drive someone so far, being generative and working towards a hopeful vision can last a lifetime.
So, for what it’s worth, here is my advice to a justifiably angry seminarian getting ready to go out into the world.
1) You have a unique and valuable perspective on the church as someone who has had the luxury of spending several years learning, conversing, and thinking about all sorts of theological stuff. Please share continue to share your thoughts and critiques.
2) If you feel called to ministry within the church, even as a reformer or revolutionary then get yourself into a church. I’m only five years into my ordination, but working in a couple traditional mainline churches has given me wonderful experience and insight into the state of the church today. If you want to change the system, I really think you need to be in the system. But you also need to ask yourself if you think the system is so flawed it isn’t worth trying to change.
3) Find/create a vision of what/how you think the body of Christ should be. Hold a positive vision in your mind rather than simply seeing all the negatives going on today.
As always, this is just my $.02 so do with it whatever you will. And just so you know, I’m totally stealing WTFWJD.
I asked myself that very question this morning as I pushed the button code on my office building door. Is this the kind of church Jesus really had in mind? Not at all … but for some reason it’s clear to me that this is where God wants me at this time. I’m close to my twenty year mark of ordination (in two weeks in fact), and I have loved and hated the church on and off all of that time. I am not concerned at all about the survival of the denomination; but I am concerned about laying seeds for what God is doing next.
I don’t see the fall of denominations in any way shape or form as the end of the church … the people of God are rising up and doing tremendous things both in and outside of the organized, decent and in order, church. I just want to be a part of it.
May God bless you through your final semester/s at seminary with a clear vision of your call.
@Shawn — since you’re ok with stealing, I should probably let you know that I stole your Masturbation Church idea last week for my blog!
Thanks for your honest and passionate post. I will pray and trust that God will show you your true calling and the direction God wants you to travel.
That being said, the best advice I never heeded and should have when I was in seminary was from an ordained minister who told me, “If you can imagine yourself being happy doing anything else but the professional ministry — do it.” Wise words.
I robbed someone of WTFWJD at the point of a spear.
Ryan,
I’m twelve years into ordination, and I say “amen” to what everyone else has said. You remember our phone call last Spring?
I don’t see that many established churches in the PC(USA) are willing to go for the kind of transformation suggested on this website. I think many of them WILL end up dying off, because they fear change more than they fear hospice care.
I wonder if what we need to do is find some postmodern “venture capitalists” in the PC(USA) who would be willing to fund missional/emerging NCDs in each Synod. I just visited the website for The Church of the Saviour in D.C. (to find out how they started, read http://www.inwardoutward.org/?page_id=7) and thought, “Why can’t this happen in the PC(USA)?”
@Mike Poteet
Are you the same Mike who’s father is on staff at Grace PC in Houston? If so, I remember you. You took part in “Anytown USA” when I was the NCCJ program director in Houston. If not, sorry for the mistaken identity.
In Christ,
Mark
There are definitely congregations ready for transformation, but they are the ones who “have nothing more to lose.” I’m now into my (this is scary) 19th year at a “Redevelopment Church” and after years of triage, we are finally making some changes. We just hired a person on staff who 1) has no seminary degree, 2) lives in intentional Christian community, 3) doesn’t own a suit. In other words, we are (slowly) moving outside the box to focus on becoming more faithful disciples.
Having said this, there are still lots of churches in our denomination that are clinging for dear life to “the old days” still believing they are “a prominent church” — too “dignified to talk about Jesus, discipleship, etc. (That’s the pastor’s job, they say.) They are happy to keep things the way they’ve always been
One congregation that contacted me about applying to be their pastor was described by the head of their PNC as “the brightest, most successful people on the east coast.” Good for them. I asked him why he was a part of the church if everything was so perfect, and he was speechless. (Obviously I am not now their pastor.)
Mike — there are indeed churches that not only will call you. They need you. All will be well. And these are very exciting times. But it’s a long road. (Note: we will probably be looking for an associate pastor in summer 2008.)
Jan if y’all are looking in 2008 I know a young lady that would be a great assistant pastor.
I certainly share your frustrations Ryan! I am entering my sixth year of ministry and the last two have been probably the worst of my life. The church “grew” from 160 to about 130,some of the core leaders when I arrived here fresh out of seminary became some of my staunchest opponents, and the community struggled mightily. I certainly wasn’t a “tower of strength” having to seek professional help for the depression I was feeling and wondering if I was really cut out for this whole ministry gig. In fact, I can’t tell you the number of times I would pass by the local Wal-Mart on the way into the office and entertain visions of leaving my frustrations and pain behind by becoming a Greeter!
However…I wouldn’t trade the last two years for anything. When I got here the average age of the congregation was in the sixties. They were very traditional and institutional. They resisted change like the plague. They were totally disconnected from their community. And here I was, 29 years old, fresh out of seminary in my first call going to change the world. At first, I treated these folks like they were the enemy. I was condescending in my demeanor. At times, I would bully them into making decisions. I would get easily frustrated and angry. But, as time went on, what I discovered, by the grace of God, was that these folks loved Jesus…they were just scared. They didn’t know what to do or where to turn. When I conducted my first elder retreat, I asked them where they saw the church in ten years. Half of them replied, “With a For Sale Sign out front.” They were tremendously discouraged and just needed a pastor who had the courage to love them and lead them into the future God had for them.
As I look back now, I really don’t know why I expected it to be any different. After all, haven’t God’s people always been stiff-necked? Haven’t I always been this way as well? As soon as I realized what I was doing, I backed off. I began pouring myself into the leaders of the church, leading them in prayer and Bible study focusing on the nature of the church. I challenged them constantly to think more deeply and take risks for the sake of the Gospel. As time went on, things began to change. Elders began demonstrating spiritual leadership. They began confronting the naysayers, the whiners, and the complainers. This church became a very “unfriendly” place for those who were not interested in seriously living in the way of Jesus. Many of them left. They took a great deal of money and talent and time with them but the church survived…even thrived after a while. We certainly are not there yet, but I do believe I can say that this church has turned the corner and is now moving forward under the leadership of the Spirit.
The point I guess I am trying to make is this…the enemy is Satan NOT the people of God. Our job as ministers is to show people the way of Jesus and then challenge them to make a decision. We are in the midst of a great transition, as the church moves from an institutional mindset to a more missional way of being. Such a transition is never easy and often takes years of pain and suffering as I think Jan has mentioned already. As pastors we have to see our calling as a marathon not a sprint. It is a commitment that will be lived out over a lifetime or many lifetimes as it were. A colleague of mine has even suggested recently that we may be the “transitional generation” of leadership. It may be our job to simply deconstruct so that others who come after us have room to build. Ryan, the church needs you now more than ever! Keep those passionate flames burning as you move out into ministry! Never settle for spiritual mediocrity or becoming part of the institutional matrix! God can and will use you to transform churches and perhaps even denominations but you must not lose heart!
In a comment regarding the current government and its relationship to faith, Cornel West said, “The bible is about justice, justice justice, and then love, love, love.” The collusion of mega-church capitalism with Jesus is befuddling, but something that H.R. Niehbuhr was quite cognizant of in the 20′s and 30′s and Wesley before him.
Unfortunately justice and love are so pidgeonholed into the dirty category of “liberal” that they are discredited and often through logical fallacy and rhetoric that supersedes truth.
I long for biblically literate Christians who clearly understand the radical nature of God’s love that calls us into question. It’s OK to question a belief about God if it does not make sense with human experience. That is the essence of theology itself. Getting past the fear of personal transformation, even as Paul was so clear is the essence of our contact with God, is the most devastating boundary to transgress in the lives of so many who seal themselves off in the comforts of sectarian ideologies.
Change is not pleasant, but so necessary to relate to in an intimate way for us to understand the very nature of our finite and bounded humanity. To die with Christ is to live. Understanding our essential finitude is but the first and most lengthy step.
I like that West quote. Welcome to Presbymergent.
I wonder if you could do me a favor. If and when you comment again (and I hope you do!) can you add a last name or at least an initial so that I don’t log on and think that I have posted something in my sleep?
What a wonderful read! I received my approval to seek a call the first week of Sept. ’07. However I’ve spent these last few months in a thought coma. I read my PIF questions and knew I could not answer with my heart and except a church to call me. But if I answer the way I know I’ll be called then I don’t want to serve. ALL my mentors are after me to finish my PIF and start the process. But until now I could not put words to my thoughts. I am frustrated with the church and upset with so many of the attitudes that I encounter. Thank you for your post – you’ve given me hope to continue and finish my PIF. I’ll write from my heart.